Dude, I Think He Needs To Get Laid
by Dj Tyf0on
Summary: Ash and friends try to get a certain trainer laid. OOC madness will ensure. Minor language.
1. Dude, he needs to get laid

My first fanfic. Kinda crappy, I know, and this was based off some random joke I made up with friends. R&R and enjoy!

-fo0n

**Note: None of these characters belong to me. All are copyright to their respective owners.**

* * *

Dude, You Need to Get Laid.

It was an average day in the life our heroes traveling through Sinnoh (which was wake up, eat, walk, train, walk, eat, walk, defeat Team Rocket (once again), eat, then finally sleep). Their breakfast conversation was quite intense that morning; when yesterday Pikachu was about to hit Team Rocket's balloon with a Thunderbolt, Paul appeared out of nowhere and commanded his Electrabuzz to hit the balloon with a Thunderbolt as well. Electrabuzz's Thunderbolt hit the balloon first, and consequently blew it up into a bazillion pieces, sent Team Rocket blasting off _again_, and then walked away as if it was nothing. Ash, who was clearly pissed, started another long rant about Paul, saying that he had no right to steal _his_ Pikachu's signature attack scene.

"That guy is so...so..." Ash managed to stammer.

"Mean?" asked Brock.

"No, not that word...Damn, what was it?" replied Ash.

"Arrogant?" Dawn asked.

"No, not that word."

"Cold-hearted?" asked Brock, who was scratching his head to find another word to describe Paul.

"Besides that, Brock...Dammit I can't think of the word!" Ash yelled in frustration. Dawn, after looking at the look on Ash's face, figured out the word.

"Oh, do you mean 'intense'?" She asked.

"YES! Paul's so _intense_! Thanks Dawn!" Ash exclaimed.

"Oh, no problem...I guess." Dawn replied. "Why do you need _that_ word to describe Paul?"

"Well," Ash began, "Since Paul is so concentrated with over-training his Pokemon, doesn't he need to relieve the stress somehow?"

"I-I guess.." Brock started to say. "But it sure looks like he doesn't."

Suddenly, Ash started laughing. It started as a small chortle, then into a full-blown crazy-ass villain laugh.

"Holy crap, I just thought of the best stress-reliever we can give Paul..." Ash started snickering again.

"What, give him a massage?" Dawn asked in a sarcastic tone. "I honestly think that wouldn't work."

"No, Dawn. It's much better than that..." Ash replied. "Oh gosh, I can imagine it now..."

"Let me guess, force him to have a girlfriend?" Brock asked. "It can change his personality, so I guess that has to be it."

'No, MUCH more better that that," Ash replied.

"Then WHAT IS IT?" replied Dawn and Brock in a very annoyed tone.

"Well," Ash said with a chuckle, "I think that Paul needs to get laid."

Oversized sweat drops started to form on both Dawn and Brock's foreheads.

"You've got to be smoking something, Ash," replied Dawn in a worried tone.

"I agree," Brock added. "Paul's underage! What makes you think that he'd get laid anytime now?!"

" I dunno, but don't you think he would be relieved of his stress?" Ash asked.

"Maybe, so I guess I could help you..._especially if I get to score with a chick too..._" replied Brock.

"I-I'm not sure...but I guess there's no other choice," replied Dawn, who was concerned at Ash's incredibly crackpot plan.

However, Ash was oblivious to her comment, and shouted, "Alright! Let's do this!" He punched his fist into the air. Brock and Dawn followed suit, but Dawn's air punch was less enthusiastic.

And so, our heroes set out to Veilstone City to get Ash's 3rd Sinnoh League Badge, and to hopefully find Paul and get him laid.

* * *

TBC? 

So, how did you like it? Again, please R&R. I intended for this to be a drabble, but if there is enough support, I might turn this into a full story!


	2. Dude, I have an AWESOME plan

Well, here's chapter two! Thanks to all the people who wrote reviews! I actually written up to chapter four, but I'm too lazy to type them XD. Also, when the English dub is aired, I'll replace Paul's brother's name, Reiji, with the English version. R&R and enjoy!

-fo0n

**Note: I don't own any of these characters, they all belong to their respective owners, whoever they are... **

* * *

Our heroes have now arrived in Veilstone City, and are trying to find Paul (except Brock, who was currently recovering from a rather strong Poison Jab from his Croagunk when he was flirting with Nurse Joy).

"Sheesh! If this is Paul's hometown, it's going to take _forever_ to find him! Dawn exclaimed.

Ash nodded in agreement. He suddenly had a bad feeling that his plan wouldn't work. They started walking down the sidewalk. After crossing, they spotted a young man with spiky purple hair that was put in a ponytail, walking towards them with an Electabuzz. Pikachu noticed something familiar about that Pokemon. He jumped off ash's shoulder and ran up to the Electabuzz.

"Pika?" He asked, and pointed to himself.

The Electabuzz patted Pikachu's head, whose hand was electrically charged, resulting in Pikachu getting a zap to his head. The Electabuzz laughed.

"Pika…." Pikachu replied, rubbing his head. The man accompanying the Electabuzz turned to the trainers.

"So, you guys know my brother's Electabuzz, huh?" he asked.

"Yeah! You're Paul's brother?" Ash asked.

"Yup. The name's Reiji." he led out his hand for Ash, Dawn, and Brock to shake. Ash spoke again.

"Hey Reiji, do you know where Paul is right now?" he asked.

"Well, after dropping off this little fellow, he just went off to somewhere, and didn't tell me." Reiji replied. The Electabuzz rolled his eyes when he was called 'little fellow'.

"Damn! My plan _is_ gonna fail!" Ash moaned, his hands clenched into fists.

"Er, _what_ plan exactly?" Reiji asked. Dawn whispered it into his ear. Afterwards, she blushed, and he laughed. Ash looked nervous.

He asked nervously, "Uh, are you okay? I-I can stop my plan or something…"

"No way, man," Reiji replied. "That is _too_ good of an opportunity to pass up. Plus, I've got a good idea that can help you."

"Sweet!" Ash exclaimed happily. "Tell me more about this 'idea'."

Both Ash and Reiji ran off, with Pikachu and Electabuzz running after them.

Dawn was left with Brock, who was now fully recovered and able to move all of his limbs. Unfortunately, he immediately spotted _another_ pretty lady who was walking to the nearby park with her Shinx.

"Dawn, I hope you're okay by yourself, I….have some 'business' to attend to,"

Brock quickly said, and ran off to catch the girl, his Croagunk trying to keep up with his pace.

Dawn was left standing on the sidewalk. She looked at Ash and Reiji running off to wherever they were going to, and Brock getting shocked _and_ Poison Jabbed at the same time.

"Honestly, what the hell?" She said out loud. "It's like everyone's on crack."

She flopped down on a nearby bench and proceeded to nap.

Meanwhile, Ash and Reiji arrived at their destination.

"Dude, this is gonna be SWEET!" Ash said with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

* * *

Wonder where the Ash and Reiji are at? You have to wait until the next chapter! Again, please R&R. I hope you enjoyed! 


	3. Dude, WTF?

Hey people, it's me again! Thanks to all the people who have read this story so far. Later on in the story, all the characters will at some point go all out OOC. But it's cool, right? Also, just pretend that the 'you can't rent pornunder eighteen' rule doesn't exist. Again, R&R and enjoy!

-fo0n

**Note: I don't own Pokemon, but I did make up the movie titles in this chapter. If those movies actually do exist, please tell me in your review.**

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Ash and Reji were out of breath when arriving at their destination, but they were relieved. Veilstone City's movie rental store was still open for another hour, and they needed all the time they needed. Earlier, Reiji suggested to Ash that they should force Paul to watch some porno films. Ash agreed, but only on one condition: Both of them have to choose three movies. After catching their breath, they split up.

Ash met Reiji at the checkout counter forty-five minutes later.

"Wow, what took you so long?" Reiji asked.

Ash grinned sheepishly. "Well, I was searching for the latest and greatest, and I did!" He held up three DVD cases, each with explicit pictures on the front.

"I got _Happy Headlights 10_, _Pimpin' it Up_, and _Naughty Nurses_. What did you get?"

Reiji fumbled to show the covers of the DVDs to Ash. Besides having a Pokemon on each of the covers, each had the National Breeders Association mark in the lower right-hand corner.

"I got, uh, _Natural Breeding_, _Making the Egg_, and, uh, yeah..._The Staravias and Beedrills_...you like?" He managed a weak smile.

Ash couldn't believe it. His videos were the same crap that Brock watched at the Pokecenter's televisions to get Pokemon breeding tips! He snatched the cases from Reiji's hand and shook them in front of his face.

"Dude, you seriously call _this _PORN?" Ash asked rather loudly.

"Um, yeah. Well, isn't it?" Reiji replied with a somewhat scared tone.

"Well, IT AIN'T. _This _is for Pokebreeders," Ash slowly said while holding up Reiji's chosen movies. He then held up his cases. "And _this _is real porn." He then returned Reiji's videos and ordered him to find new movies.

"But I watch this stuff!" Reiji explained.

"But still, it doesn't change the fact that it is a BREEDER VIDEO. Go be a man and get new videos, I know you can do it," Ash hurriedly replied.

The video store was about to close in five minutes, and he hoped they could rent their DVDs in time. Fortunately, Reiji returned quickly, and he looked quite happy. He held up three cases with had picture of Octillery and other tentacle Pokemon on it.

"I got the _Tentacle Trilogy_! Is that better?" Reiji asked.

"Yeah, it's way more better," Ash replied, even though he despised tentacles, but who knew what Paul liked in a porno flick?

They finally rented their videos, and were the last to leave the store. Reiji held out the plastic bag with the movies inside and grinned.

"Oh, man, wait until Paul sees _this!_"

* * *

Another super-short chapter, but all my chapters are kinda like that...XD. I promise that the next one would be longer than usual! I hoped you enjoyed, and don't forget to review! 


	4. Dude, my face is up HERE

Yay, I made a kinda long chapter! Thanks to all the people who have reviewed and favorited this story! This chapter is from Shinji/Paul's POV. You can call this chapter a _slight_ Ikarishipping. R&R and Enjoy!

-fo0n

**Note: I don't own Pokemon, and they belong to their respective owners. If I did, I'd give Seaking a shotgun.**

* * *

Tiny raindrops started to drizzle from the sky as I jogged to the Pokecenter. Sure, Veilstone city _is_ my hometown, but I'm not staying with my blasted breeder brother, Reiji.

While seeing the Pokecenter's big red roof appearing before me, I saw a flash of pink out of the corners of my eyes. I stopped and turned around to see what it was. It was the wannabe champion Ash's friend, sleeping on the bench.

"What an idiot, sleeping on a bench," I mumbled to myself.

I started to wake her up.

"Girl, wake up," I grunted while slightly shaking her.

Silence. I shook her a bit harder.

"Girl or whatever the hell your name is, wake up!" I half-yelled.

Nothing happened. I honestly don't give a damn about her, but the rain was gradually growing heavier, and I might as well take her to the Pokecenter so she doesn't catch something. I hoisted her onto myself, piggy-back style, and noticed she was quite light, but didn't look stick-thin. After getting her arms around my neck and getting hold of her legs. I started off for the Pokecenter, which was only three blocks away.

Every step I took, her head started to shift from my shoulder and move closer to my neck. Soon, I could feel her warm breath blowing across my neck and down my jacket. At that time, I really wanted to get this girl off my back, and as soon as possible.

After walking the final block, the pedestrian light turned red. Damn. More time with this sleepyhead on my back. The girl stirred again, spilling some of her navy hair down my front. God, this is getting embarrassing. People might think we're a couple. When the pedestrian light _finally_ turned green, I dashed to the Pokecenter.

The bright fluorescent lights from the ceiling blinded me, resulting in me gruffly placing the rain-dampened girl on a nearby couch, but fortunately, she didn't wake up. After leaving her to her beauty sleep, I went up to the counter, where Nurse Joy and her Chansey were organizing files. She saw me, and stopped her work.

"Anything I can do for you today?" she asked.

"A room for the night, please," I replied.

Nurse Joy handed me a room key.

"Your room is room 84, it's just up the stairs and four doors to the left," she said in her usual happy tone. She then looked at my Pokeballs.

"Do you also want me to heal your Pokemon?" she asked.

I would never heal my Pokemon unless it was knocked out, but since it was Nurse Joy, whom I respect (except for her annoying voice), I had to say yes.

"Sure, take them," I answered, and I handed my Pokeballs to her, which she gave them to Chansey, who took them down to the healing machine in the back room.

I went up the stairs to my room, and I removed my gear and my jacket and placed it at the wooden table by the room's door. I laid on the slightly spongy bed's soft cotton sheets. Finally, some rest at last.

Suddenly, I started to think about the girl. She was still on that couch, and probably still sleeping. Some weird sensation got to me, saying that I should stay with her until she wakes up. Since I trusted my instinct, I went down to the Pokecenter lobby and sat on the couch next to the sleeping girl.

While watching her sleep, I noticed more details about her. She had a creamy pale complexion and soft skin, and that her body was forming into a slight hourglass frame. I had a sudden thought that the petite curves make her look cute, and I tried to erase that thought from my head, starting a war inside my brain.

_No, she's not cute..._

_But you're staring at her..._

_I'm just waiting until she wakes up!_

_But you don't give a damn about her..._

_Maybe I do right now!_

_And why may that be?_

_I...I don't know..._

What the hell was happening to me? It must be from something I ate, since I don't think such absurd thoughts.

My head was starting to ache. I bent over and rubbed my temples. I suddenly heard a soft rustle coming from the other side of the couch, and I turned my head.

I wish I didn't. At the same time, she moved towards me in a kneeling position, and now I was staring at her chest. Now that's just damn uncomfortable. I looked up to see the girl, who was looking at me with surprised eyes.

"Uh...hi?" she said shyly.

I hastily sat up straight to escape the awkward situation.

"Humph. You're awake, girl."

She got angry at the fact that I didn't remember her name.

"It's _Dawn_, not 'girl'," she replied with a hint of anger.

"Like I care," I replied with a raised eyebrow.

The girl, I mean _Dawn_, then got out of her kneeling position and sat closer to me and shook my shoulder.

"Why am I here?" she demanded.

"It was raining, and you were still on the bench, and I carried you to the Pokecenter so you wouldn't catch something. Be glad of that too," I replied coolly.

"Where's Ash and Brock?" she asked.

"I don't know," I mumbled in reply. "Just go find them when the rain stops. I'm getting myself food."

I actually wasn't hungry, but I really wanted to get away from the girl. I stood up from the couch and walked away. I suddenly felt my shirt collar getting tugged behind me. When I turned around, it was her, _again_.

"Can't you leave someone alone for one second, you annoying gir-"

_SLAP._

My left cheek was burning. Damn, that was strong hit considering her size. I rubbed my cheek, trying to take out the pain.

"What the hell was that for?" I grumbled.

Dawn did a mock pout at me and stuck out her tounge.

"That's for being a pervert!" she retorted.

"It was an accident! I didn't mean it!"

"You were still staring at my chest, pervert!"

"I am _not_ a pervert!"

She started to run from me. I started to chase her around the lobby, but then she ran into the women's restroom.

Damn. I'll get revenge...somehow...

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What does he mean by 'revenge'? I don't know! Just wait for a couple of chapters, I'll plan something out.. I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter, and don't forget to review! Have a happy Easter!

-fo0n

Next up: Brock goes to a bar.


	5. Dude, that's WHAT?

As Ash and Reggie were walking down the streets of Veilstone city in the early dusk, Ash had an epiphany.

He dropped his bag of pornographic dvds and stared hard into the setting sun, or as close as he could get. Reggie noticed this odd change in behavior, raised an eyebrow, and walked up to the Pokemon trainer. "Ash? You alright?" He waved his hand in front of Ash's face.

For a few seconds there was no response, but then in a swift motion, Ash managed to grasp Reggie's arm, drag him into a nearby alley, and flip him on to his back. Reggie's shoulders hit the pavement hard. He was confused. What the hell got into that kid?  
Ash was standing above Reggie, his left foot pinning his chest down to the sidewalk, and his hands in his pants as if he kept his inventory down there.  
"Gotcha."

Reggie's eyes widened and he broke into a nervous sweat as Ash pulled out a Desert Eagle from his crotch. From the looks of it, the pistol has been well taken care of.

And been used numerous times in the past.

Ash let out a laugh, but it wasn't his laugh the resulted from catching a new Pokemon or defeating a gym leader; it was a laugh of someone who has released from the crevices of his mind all of the negativity he pushed away. And after fourteen years of being a Pokemon trainer, he had a lot of dark thoughts. Ash then aimed the pistol at Reggie, who then dissolved in to a blubbering mess, choking out pleas of mercy mixed with strangled cries of fear.

"Now, now, I'm not going to kill you Reggie," Ash said in a sickenly calm voice as he drew his face closer. Ash relished the terribly frightened look on the Pokemon breeder's face as he pressed the gun into the older man's crotch. "I'm cutting you loose. All you have to do is this one little favor." "W-w-what?"  
"Yes," Ash hissed. "One favor." He released the pressure from Reggie's chest, grabbed him by the shirt collar, and brought him up. The gun was now safely in Ash's pocket.  
Their eyes met.

"Run away. Run away and pretend that this never happened. Tell no one about what I'm about to do. Will you do that, Reggie boy?"  
Reggie was near hyperventilation. He weakly nodded.

_WHAM.  
_  
Reggie was met with a hard punch to his jaw and chest, knocking the wind out of him. Falling to the floor yet again, he tasted blood in his mouth. He could feel a broken rib-or two. Looking up, Ash had a disgusted snarl on his face.

"**WILL**. **YOU**. **OBEY**?" With every word, Reggie received a swift kick near the base of his spine. Bruised, bleeding, and with desperation to stop the sensation of knives carving into his back, he screamed and somehow choked out the words that Ash wanted to hear.

"Y-y-_yes_!" he said between ragged breaths, "I will..I _will_..o-_obey_." Tears streamed down the breeder's face and mixed with the blood dripping out of his mouth.

The Pokemon trainer seemed pleased with his response.

"_Excellent_. As a reward, I guess I'll let you have a preview on what I'm gonna unleash on your little city."

"Ee..vee?"

Ash turned around to find an Eevee wander into the alley, its fluffy tail bouncing back and forth as if it was asking a question.

"An Eevee huh," Ash mumbled as an idea burst into his mind. Checking to make sure that Reggie was still immobile and writhing in pain, he crept up closer to the small Pokemon, motioning for it to come closer with one of his fingers. Ash put on his best mask of friendliness and gave the Pokemon a convincingly warm smile. "Hey Eevee, you want me to become your trainer?"

"Vee? Eevee, eevee!"

The feline-like Pokemon was elated at this and immediately leapt into the human's outstretched arms, but when she felt the trainer's arms wrap around her like a Seviper's constrict, she immediately began to panic. The Eevee struggled to wriggle out of Ash's grasp, but to no avail. She was met with a swift, but firm tug on the tail. Ash had grabbed the tip of the tail with one hand, and her pair of ears in the other; he was enjoying the sight on the dangling Eevee, flailing her limbs about, trying to flee the stinging pains.

"Veeeee!"

Reggie couldn't believe the sight that he was seeing. How could such a kind-hearted, though a bit perverted Pokemon trainer succumb to such madness?  
Struggling to push himself up into a crawling position, Reggie forced himself to stretch out one of his arms to the trainer, in a desperate attempt to stop the torture to the poor Pokemon. The muscles in his arm felt like they were on fire, as the simple exertion used up all the energy that he had.

Ash noticed the other man's attempt to stop him and lazily kicked his arm aside. Reggie let out a hiss of pain that Ash just had to scoff at.

"Aw, Reggie! Why do ya wanna be such a spoilsport?" Ash asked in a tone that seemed to mock his usual upbeat one. "You're watching the preview of what's to come, remember?"

"EEVEEEEEEE! EEVEE-nggh..." The Pokemon was quickly gagged with a piece of discarded newspaper formed into a ball.  
Ash now grabbed the struggling Eevee by the neck and with her in his lap, knelt down in front of Reggie's face.  
From the looks of it, Reggie could tell that the Eevee was quite young, maybe a few months old._ Jeez_, he thought. _Eevee's so young, and she's experiencing something so-OH NO. NO. NONONONONONONO-  
_  
Ash had just unzipped his pants, grabbed the Eevee's sides, and plunged his length into the little Pokemon. Reggie wanted to close his eyes so badly, but fearing that Ash would harm his body even more, forced himself to watch and tried to ignore the upcoming wave of nausea as Ash pushed inside the Eevee over and over. The trainer was busy groping the small Pokemon, trying to find its sensitive spots. Everytime he found one, he kept on rubbing, tugging, pinching until the Eevee stopped resisting and gave in to the immoral, forced pleasure it was receiving.

The Eevee couldn't think comprehensibly anymore. She was hurting everywhere. Her ears smarted with every tug the human gave her. Her mouth ached with the ball-like thing crammed into her mouth. Her bottom felt worse, sending waves of pain in a rhythm every time she bounced on the hard thing the trainer forced her on. Other parts of her felt bad because that human kept on touching them, but somehow ended up feeling slightly good. And when those then the pain on her bottom started to feel good as well. She knew that this was a really bad situation to be in to start feeling this way, especially with one not of her species, but she gave up. Her mouth became slack-jawed as she gave in to the pain that was turning into pleasure. The paper ball fell out of her mouth as she began to heavily pant. She began to move her little hips in time with the trainer's thrusts.

At this point, Ash didn't care about anyhting that he was doing at this point. He didnt' care that he severely beat a person that he just recently met and befriended. He didn't care that he falsely befriended a Pokemon only to torture and rape the living daylights out of it.

For once, he was doing something good for himself. And_ fuck_, was this Eevee _so_tight. And with only the Pokemon's blood being the only lubricant, the increasing friction between him and the Eevee was pushing him closer to release.

"Hey Reggie, loving the show aren't ya?" Ash asked in a deep growl as he went deeper into Eevee, enjoying the cries of absolute pain he was hearing from the Pokemon.

Reggie was only staring at the spectacle with very wide eyes of absolute horror. The sight of the defenseless Eevee being raped into submission just turned Ash on even more. He made harder, faster thrusts into the Eevee's womb.

"Aw, YEAH! Almost there..."

"Vee, vee, VEEEEEEE!" The little Eevee cried as she clenched her teeth while the trainer was frantically thrusting, followed by a wave of heat inside of her. Her insides clenched around the trainer's erection as she looked the trainer in the eyes while a cold sensation pressed into the left side of her head-

_BANG.  
_  
Ash made a clean shot through the Pokemon's head. After he was certain that he had emptied his load inside it, he pulled the Eevee off of his length, and attempted to toss it into a nearby dumpster. It missed and the corpse landed a few feet away from where Reggie was laying.

At this point Reggie couldn't hold it in anymore, and he threw up. The viscous, pungent liquid mixed with the blood dripping out of his mouth and the seed leaking out of the now dead Eevee. He saw Ash put his jeans back on, placing the gun inside his pocket. He had a smug grin of satisfaction.

_He's a madman_, Reggie thought as he struggled to his feet. _A real, psychopatic, madman_. He turned around and ran the hell out of that alley, or as best as he could run. It was more like a hurried stumble due to his various injuries, but Reggie was getting the _fuck_out of there as quickly as he could.

Ash watched the breeder's attempt to run away with amusement. He was letting Reggie go; he promised, of course. When Ash was sure that Reggie had reached the boundaries of Veilstone City, he strode out from the alleyway. Gun in hand, he looked towards the city plaza. A couple of trainers were strolling around with their Pokemon. He started walking towards the group, a hand firmly on the gun's handle, a raging libido not satisfied by the Eevee, and a maniac grin plastered on his face.

"Well, here goes nothing!"

He aimed the weapon at one of the young trainers, and made a clean shot through the girl's chest. The crowd dispersed into a crazed frenzy of civilians and Pokemon, eager to get away from the unknown location of the gunman.

Unfortunately for them, Ash just saw the crowd as one big Safari Zone, full of people and Pokemon to capture and use to his own twisted desires.

He picked a random spot in the crowd, and aimed.

He would show them no mercy.

* * *

To cap it all off, I would like to say that I am a Republican.


End file.
